Issues of Abandonment
by What You See in the Shadows
Summary: Soul Survivor episode tag. Dean found himself wishing that he felt that blissful nothing that his demon-self had felt... because human emotions were too damned hard. Especially if Sam was going to abandon his ass again. Not that he'd blame him... A peak at Dean's inner thoughts and the aftermath of 'Soul Survivor'.


_**Author's Note:** Hey, everyone... Uh, well, this is just 'cause I couldn't help myself after watching the new episode. Obviously since this is a tag, there are spoilers. And I apologize for drowning everyone in angst here... it's just the mood I was in. I blame Dean..._

**Issues of Abandonment **

_Lean, mean Dean._

Heh… wasn't it just screwed up beyond all belief that at that moment Dean felt like he'd give anything to be _that_ Dean again. Not that he wanted to go back to being a demon. Hell, no. That was a nightmare that he never wanted to relive. But the thing was that it hadn't been a nightmare. No, it had all been far too real. And it felt real too. Strange, and off, but real. Not like how he imagined being possessed felt like. Because he _hadn't_ been possessed. It had all been him. _He_ had spent weeks hanging out with the freakin' King of Hell at craptastic dives and beating the holy hell outta people that really didn't deserve it. _He_ had killed that douche-bag in the car. And worst of all _he_ had tried to kill his brother. So yeah, it would be pretty damn awesome to be able to shut all these _human_ emotions off again.

But he was human again. Thanks to Sam. Sam… Damn, but Dean had been cruel to him. And not just because he'd tried to kill him. But their little battle of words earlier… Had Dean really accused him of killing their mom? Where the hell had demon-him even pulled that from? It's not like Dean had ever even thought that way before. Sammy had been six months old, for God's sake! 'Course that hadn't mattered. As a demon, he hadn't cared about anything but hurting the kid. And if he apologized for all that crap, would Sam even be willing to listen? Or was the damage done. Hell, Dean knew how deeply words could cut.

With a sigh, he stood up from his bed and almost dropped down to the floor again. Oh yeah. Heh… still weak from that cure. Cure… They might have to think up a new term for it. Like, torture for your own good, perhaps. Either way, he needed to remember to move a bit slower until he was feeling better.

Dean paced around his room, looking at all of his stuff. It was just like he'd left it. Mostly. But he could tell that Sam had been in here. Probably had gone through his crap; either looking for clues or for girly, sentimental reasons. Most likely both. And Dean loved him for it. And he loved him even more for not giving up on him and not letting him go. Well, until now.

Because there was certainly no way that Sam would not give up on him now. His brother had seen him as a demon. Had heard all his spewed crap. Had fought with him. And Dean hadn't missed how Sam had thrust that needle into Dean's arm quite a bit harder than necessary. Probably payback for having to put up with Dean's 'lame ass'. But Sam had continued on. Probably not to get Dean back (because really, who'd want Dean back after all of _that?)_, but to make certain that there was one less supernatural threat out there.

Sure Cas had said that Sam wouldn't hold any of this against him. And Dean had agreed with him… because that's what people did. They said untrue crap to stop each other from worrying. But the truth was that he and Sam were broken beyond repair. And Dean had proof.

The proof was that he was here in his room all alone. He'd just been freed from being a demon, was feeling like crap, was mentally and emotionally shaken, and Sam wasn't here. Why? Because the kid couldn't stand the sight of him anymore, of course. He was probably trying to find the room in this place that was furthest away from him so that he could spend most of his time there (you know, assuming he hadn't already figured that out months ago). Or worse yet, he was packing up his stuff so that he could move out permanently. Probably wouldn't even say goodbye. Maybe he'd just leave a note that said 'Dean, let me go'. Dean chuckled darkly at that thought.

In any event, Dean knew that if Sam gave even half a crap about him, he wouldn't ever leave Dean alone after the events that just took place. He'd stand by his side and worry and give that sad, pathetic, mournful look until Dean would have to fake being okay just to cheer the kid up.

He hadn't had to fake crap like that when he'd been a demon. He hadn't cared enough about anyone else's feelings. Not that he'd gone out of his way to hurt anyone's feelings up until Sam had captured him. But now, now he'd fake a thousand smiles if it'd make Sam happy. But he had a feeling that being away from Dean was the only thing that was going to make his brother happy. And really who could blame him. After all, Dean had been a freakin' demon. An abomination. And, as Dean realized that he was rubbing at the Mark of Cain that still adorned his arm, he came to the conclusion that he still wasn't out of the 'freak' frying pan yet. So maybe it _was_ a good thing that Sam had abandoned him before he pulled his little brother with him into whatever fire lay below.

Still, even though he knew deep down that he deserved to be abandoned once again by his brother, it hurt to be left alone. It stung to have to deal with all of this aftermath without Sam. And Dean just wished that there was something he could do to repair all of this. That there was something he could've done to prevent it. That…

The door to his bedroom swung open suddenly and Dean spun around expecting to see that Cas had come back. But instead he saw Sam standing there clutching a grease stained bag in his good hand. What…

Dean took a step, but between his quick turn, the movement forward, and the conflicting emotions, he felt a wave of dizziness and nearly collapsed again. As he started to stumble, the paper bag hit the floor and his giant of a little brother was there trying to support him.

"What the hell, Dean? I thought I told you to rest. That meant stay in bed."

"You left." Dean stated.

"Uh yeah… I was getting you food. Didn't think I needed to tie you down while I was gone."

Getting him food? Oh… "I thought…" Dean didn't finish the sentence.

"What? That you could get up already? Dean, your body just went through hell. I thought you were gonna die. That I was gonna lose you again. You need to take it easy, man."

Dean let Sam lead him back to the bed and help him back onto the memory foam mattress. It felt so much nicer than any of the crappy motel mattresses he'd slept on recently. And this was all his. He was home again. And Sam was here. And he'd just gone out to get food. He hadn't left Dean. Well, not yet…

"Yeah. Well, thanks."

Sam gave him a concerned look at Dean's short response. "Dean, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you feeling…"

"Like a demon? No. I'm still me, Sammy. You don't have to worry."

"That's not what I was worried about Dean. Well, I mean, of course I'm concerned about stuff like that. It'll be a concern until we can find a way to get rid of that Mark. I don't want you to ever have to go through that again. I almost didn't get you back this time. I don't want to think about what might happen next time."

"That why you're still here? To watch out for me? Make sure I'm not a threat?"

"Is that… is that what you really think?" Sam wanted to know.

"I don't know what to think, Sammy. One moment we're not brothers, the next we are, then I'm saying all kinds of crap and trying to kill you and now you're saying that you're sticking with me. So yeah, I'm confused a bit."

"Yeah…" Sam took a deep breath. "I was pissed with you back then Dean. And I'll admit that I took it too far. I guess I can't take back the stuff I said, but I'm trying to make up for it. Because we _are_ brothers Dean. Always have been. And I meant it when I said that we don't get to quit. I learned that from you."

"But the stuff I said and when I…"

"It wasn't you, Dean. God, even _you_ have to be able to see that. And if you don't I'll just keep repeating it until you do. And trust me, that'll get annoying fast." Sam cracked a smile.

Dean couldn't help it, he smiled back and actually chuckled. Then he sobered. "But you know that that was all crap, right? The stuff I said. I was trying to get to you 'cause you were doing the whole cure thing. You know, you were pissing me off, so I was pissing you off."

"You're saying you didn't mean any of it?" Sam asked.

Dean thought it over. "Well, Dad _did_ screw us over a bit and I _do_ have to pull your lame ass from the fire quite a bit…" He smirked at that last bit.

"Hey, who saved who this time?"

"And thank you." Dean replied quietly, breaking eye contact.

"Anytime, Dean. You'd do the same for me."

Dean looked up and nodded. "Anytime." Aw, screw it. He stood (remembering to do it slowly this time) and pulled his baby brother into a hug.

They stood that way for a moment before letting go. Then Sam got an odd expression on his face that Dean recognized as his brother trying not to laugh. "A 'thank you' _and_ a hug? Is this a 'chick flick' moment from Dean? Should I go for the holy water just in case?"

Dean narrowed his eyes. "Shut up, bitch. And bring me my food."

"Okay, jerk. That attitude is more like the brother I know." Sam did laugh now, as he turned to pick up the previously discarded bag.

"And you better not have ruined my pie when you dropped that earlier."

"Pie? Who said I got you pie?"

Dean shook his head. He still felt guilty as all hell for his actions as a demon, and he still had this little feeling of doubt that things were going to be okay between him and Sam, but for the moment he was going to enjoy his food and the best company he could hope for.

_**Author's Note Part Two: **Hope you all enjoyed. Please take a moment to leave a review. Thanks. _


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